The résumé
CareerSlauson Super Mall: The Almost-Champs Who Can't Find Level Ground
The storyFour years in, Beav's Slauson Super Mall has been the league's most literal rollercoaster — up, down, up, down, and no trophy waiting at the bottom of the ride. The overall ledger reads 28-40, a middling 131.6 points per game, and a franchise that has never quite figured out how to stack two good seasons back to back.
The high-water mark came in 2024, when Slauson Super Mall roared to a 9-5 record, a No. 4 seed, and a runner-up finish — the closest Beav has come to hoisting the trophy. That season also produced the franchise's signature statement win: an 82.8-point demolition of Devion in Week 8, and the single best week in team history, a 214.6-point explosion in Week 15. For one season, this team looked unbeatable.
Everything else has been the reminder that fantasy football doesn't care about your feelings. 2023 was a full-blown disaster — a 3-11 last-place finish that still stands as the low point of the Beav era. The very first week of the franchise, back in 2022, produced a 66.3-point no-show that remains the worst single week on record. And 2025 delivered its own gut punch: an 81.8-point beatdown at the hands of Frost in Week 4, on the way to a 5-9 season that closed things out with a rough finish.
The rivalry file is lopsided in both directions. Crawf has been the nemesis from hell, owning Beav 7-1, with Chengy running an identical 7-1 torture campaign of his own. But somebody had to be the victim, and that's been Bryan (0-5) and Donte (0-3) — perfect, spotless domination whenever Slauson Super Mall needed a win it could count on.
Behind center and in the trenches, this roster had real juice — Lamar Jackson (677.4 points across 25 starts) and Jalen Hurts splitting quarterback duty, A.J. Brown and DK Metcalf giving it swagger at receiver, Derrick Henry pounding the rock, and the Eagles D/ST anchoring the lineup week after week. The talent was never really the problem.
And maybe that's the real story here: the luck numbers say Beav's been getting robbed. An all-play record of 285-327 and an expected-wins mark of 31.7 against just 28 actual wins puts the "unlucky" label in the data itself. Right now, Slauson Super Mall sits in league lore as the nearly-team — one big season, one brutal collapse, and a body of work that says the breakthrough title run is still owed.
By the numbers
All-timeDeserved it, or got away with it?
Luck indexAll-play record 318-366-54 — how they'd have done against the whole league every week.